FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP
– Meredith & Eugene Graff
1. We commit to having a “Date Night” with each other every week, no matter what, even if we just stay home, heat a pizza, watch a movie, but–we don’t answer the phone, text, or email!
2. We each take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions and we strive to communicate them clearly to the other person. We understand that loves does not mean we can read each other’s minds. We also understand that when we get our needs met because we let the other know what we wanted or needed, that does not diminish the gift of a need or want met.
3. We don’t presume to know what the other person is thinking or feeling. We listen to each other when one is talking and don’t spend that time thinking about what to say next.
4. We understand it is helpful to ask questions when we are talking to each other in order to understand each other better as well as letting the other person know we are interested and paying attention.
5. We understand that we are each free to, and do, choose how we each think and feel, and we each choose our own actions; no one “makes” us do, feel, or think anything. Where we can choose to frame an event as a “hurt,” we can also frame the same event as a mis-communication or misunderstanding. We appreciate and love each other’s differences as well as our similarities.
6. We can slow down communication and understand each other better when we are not sure what is being said, or when feelings are escalating by restating what we heard, such as, “I heard you say that “x” happened, then “y” happened, now you feel everything is “z.” Is that right?
7. We understand that treating each other with respect and courtesy, even when we feel angry allows us to discuss the issues without hurting each other. That means, we don’t interrupt the other person when the other person is speaking, and we don’t call ever each other derogatory names even when we are mad. Being angry is no excuse to hurt someone by name calling. It is also good to call each other by loving pet names, as long as neither feels intimidated, patronized, or belittled.
8. When we resolve issues when they occur, there are no “old bones” to “dig up” in a future misunderstanding. We resolve not to revive resolved conflicts to use against each other in a new misunderstanding – and if the urge arises to bring up a similar past situation, we will keep the bones buried, where they belong. We all deserve a chance to “do better next time!”
9. We avoid sweeping generalizations, such as, “always,” or “never” unless we are absolutely certain that there is no instance where there is an exception.
10. We understand that feelings generated by a difficult day can become the tinder that creates conflagration following one innocent misstep by the other person. When we take responsibility for our feelings and own their source (“baggage,” “hot buttons”) as soon as possible, we can avoid hurting each other with misdirected feelings that have little to do with the present.
11. We make an effort not to carry over angry and hurt feelings to the next day and try to talk out our misunderstandings until we understand each other (It’s okay if we have different opinions! It’s okay to agree to disagree!), unless we are really tired, and then, we commit to a time when we can talk with each without interruption and distraction to get to understanding.
12. Saying “I love you,” when saying goodbye to each other, leaves something of us with each other and is a powerful talisman while we are apart from the other.